The Confidant and the Source

I am one of those shallow women who gets most of her news from either US Weekly or People.  This is not something I'm proud of - it's just a fact.  If George Clooney didn't speak on its behalf, I would have no idea there were problems in Darfur.  If Leonardo DiCaprio didn't drive a Prius, I might not know that global warming was an issue.  And if Brad and Angelina didn't adopt from it, I don't know if I would have ever heard of Cambodia.

Again.  Not proud of it.  But there you have it.

I've tried getting my news from more reliable sources, but as time goes on and I get a little older and wiser I've come to realize that there really aren't any reliable sources.  And the bonus to getting all of my news from these cheesy magazines is that, as Jeff Goldblum said in The Big Chill, they don't "write anything longer than what the average person can read during the average dump."

In other words - the news is concise and to the point while oftentimes completely pointless.

So, after years of reading these magazines I've noticed 2 people who have stood the test of time.  They have shown up in just about every article in every magazine.  They are invited to every party, every intimate dinner, and every fight that every celebrity has.  They know everything and aren't afraid to share it with anyone who will listen (namely US Weekly and People) and seem ready to spill their guts at a moment's notice.

The Confidant and the Source.

Now, the Confidant knows everything.  She was there when Heidi Montag got her breasts enlarged to a size MMM.  She was there as Adele was getting ready for her baby.  She stood by Rob Pattinson's side during the Twilight cheating scandal while simultaneously listening to Kristen Stewart about what a huge mistake she had made.  She has been there for Kim Kardashian while she sorts out her unfortunate 72 day marriage.  And she has been exercising alongside Jessica Simpson as she attempts to lose 850 lbs. in post-baby weight.

She's exhausted.  But she's in the know.

The Source isn't as involved but is still just as busy.  She is seated next to every celebrity at every restaurant, watching what they order and how many times they kiss the person they're not supposed to be with.  She somehow managed to be in the room when Prince Harry dropped trou (and every woman in the world was jealous of that one).  She has followed every contestant of The Bachelor since the show's beginning.  And John Travolta has several lawsuits pending against the Source.

I would love to be one of these people.  I imagine that the Source has logged over a million airline miles in order to be everywhere she needs to be and that the Confidant is constantly in sweats, ready to lounge around and listen to the problems of any celebrity who needs her.  They have constant job security because no one can possibly know everything they do.  When the news is slow, one of these magazines can call either one of them at any time and develop a story out of thin air.

It's genius.

In reality, I often wonder if these writers, stuck in a web of cubicles somewhere, just lean over to one of their co-workers and say, "Dude.  I need a quote about Lady Gaga" and the other guy says, "She needs to lose some weight."

This gets translated into "A source confirms that Lady Gaga is on a new weight-loss plan."  This then makes the cover where someone will snap it up at the store, wondering if her diet plan includes following the Atkins program where she will eat her own meat dress.

But who are we to doubt that it's true?  After all...it came from a Source.

Why the Christmas Spirit Now Requires a USB Cord and a Password

Throughout the years, I have learned a lot about the toys I want my kids to have for Christmas.

That's right.  The toys I want them to have.

I pretty much avoid anything that says "Assembly Required" because if it has more than 5 pieces, that's the equivalent to at least 3 glasses of wine and I'm never quite sure what the end result will be.  I try not to buy anything inflatable because I discovered last year that I don't have the lung capacity to blow up a sled the size of Mt. Rushmore.  And I have learned to stay away from anything that says "Fur Real" on it because what that really means is that it's "Fur Really Creepy."

I figured out that lesson a few years ago when I bought my daughter the "Fur Real" cat (which should be renamed the "Pet Cemetery Cat") that has a motion sensor in it I could never figure out how to turn off.  Every time I went into the closet where I had hidden the presents and that cat would turn its head and look at me, I just about soiled myself.

That was also the year my son was the lucky recipient of the "Fur Real" Macaw that he quickly discovered could record what he was saying and repeat it back to him.

All I can say is that that Macaw has a filthy mouth.

But now, I'm outnumbered by older and wiser children who really don't want to hear my helpful suggestions for Christmas.  Last night, I brought them to Toys R Us, hoping to get a little more insight into what they wanted which was big mistake because I quickly realized that their Christmas lists would be better taken care of at Best Buy than an actual toy store.

My stomach clenched with fear as my son pointed out the complex gaming system he was hoping to get, knowing that I would never be able to set it up on my own.  I tried steering him over to the stack of "retro" Atari's on the shelf (God, am I really old enough to be considered retro??) which were cheaper and something I felt sure I could handle.

He looked at me like I had Frogger growing out of my head and said, "Mom.  We can get that stuff for, like, $1 on Ebay."

Silly me.

They've pretty much outgrown the entire center of the store because most of that section doesn't require batteries, a USB cord, or some sort of password they will forget within minutes and then wail about the rest of the day until I can figure out how to reset it.  Even my youngest daughter let me down.  At 6 years old, she is apparently too old for Barbies, has no interest in dress-up, and can't stand the thought of getting something that doesn't have a port in which to plug in headphones.

My son didn't help when he led her over to the DSi selection and said, "Look at these.  Aren't they shiny?  And look at that pink one?  Isn't it pretty?"

I watched as her little face pressed against the glass of the case and I knew I had lost the battle.

Good golly, my parents had it easy.  Okay, so my dad made me a dollhouse one year, I'll give him that one.  But other than that...what did we get?  My sister got a cat one year so all that was really required was poking holes in a box.  I asked for a Cabbage Patch Kid which my mom, ever the planner, actually bought months in advance, sensing the Cabbage Patch Frenzy that was to come.  And then there was that year they gave us both sleeping bags.

Yeah.  I bet they stayed up all night rolling those bad-boys out under the Christmas tree.

It's not even December yet and I'm already feeling the stress.  It kind of makes me wish that I had started promoting a family celebration this year more like Laura Ingalls Wilder wrote about in "Little House on the Prairie."  I'm daydreaming about my kids dipping into their stockings, bringing out shiny pennies for all to admire or the treat of an orange that they could enjoy later in the day.

As it is right now, I have a feeling if I put an orange in my son's stocking I would probably hear only one thing.

"Hey, Mom.  Where do you put the batteries in this thing?"

Fighting the Election Day Blues

So I've been poking around Facebook this morning and reading with extreme admiration all of my friends' posts about how truly excited they are that it's Election Day.  This enthusiasm comes from one 1 of 2 places:

1.  They're either truly excited about the election process and honored that they have the priveledge to vote.

2.  Or they're just excited that, come tomorrow, they won't have to watch any more of those political ads.

And I'm embarrassed to say that my own personal election day delight probably stems more from the second reason and not the first.

I feel very un-American as I say that but I truly feel like this year more than any other year the election process has beaten me down.  I'm weary.  I'm jaded.  I'm feeling like I know a lot of people are, after watching 2 men bash each other for months, that I'm not really voting for a great leader.

I'm trying to pick between the lesser of 2 evils.

I find that depressing because it feels like the campaigning process in general has become kind of un-American.  I'm not seeing a whole lot of ads about what a great country this is.  I'm not hearing a ton about how either candidate truly believes that we live in a great society.  All I'm hearing is what I hear in my own house day after day with 3 children.

"I didn't say that!"

"You can't believe him!"

"Mo-om!  He won't let me talk!  He keeps interrupting me!"

And, as a bone-tired parent, I hate that my vote has become a tool for settling a disagreement between 2 squabbling children.

I may be the only one who believes this, but the election process has completely lost the American spirit.  I'm not running to the polls today, hopeful that tomorrow will bring change.  I'm dragging my feet to stand in line so that someone might have a chance to get a couple of things done in the next 4 years.  Because I'm not sure if either one of these candidates is capable of bringing back America's pride.

I'll tell you this:  If one of those men had said, in the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy, "I'm going to take my ads off television for 1 day and donate that money to the people who need it" they would have firmly secured my vote.

Because that's what America should be about.

Top 10 Things Skinny Women Shouldn’t Say

“This will go straight to my hips.”

Unless you are saying this while having a surgical procedure actually performed on your hips, I really don’t want to hear it.  You are especially not allowed to say it while eating a salad, granola bar, or drinking a latte.

“No, I hate going to the gym.  I keep in shape by chasing my kids around.”

Okay.  I have 3 children.  I have a gym membership I use at least 3 times a week.  I also have a sizeable ass.  So shut up.

“If I could change one thing about my body it would be my ankles.”

Enough said.  Bitch.

“I just had a baby a month ago.  I lost all of the weight by breastfeeding.”

Any woman who can even look at her pre-baby jeans a month after having a baby is not to be trusted.  And any woman who can model lingerie weeks after having a baby should be arrested.

"It is so hard for me to find pants that are the right length that still fit in the waist.  They just don’t make long enough jeans in the junior section.”

If you don’t have a student ID, you should not be allowed to shop in the junior section.  Go buy some beer instead.  Then you won’t have this problem.

“Can you put the dressing on the side?”

Don’t say that.  I’ve just ordered a bacon cheeseburger with extra mayo.  Seriously.  Toss that vinaigrette in.  It will be okay.

"I’m having dental work done next week and my doctor told me that I need to gain 10 pounds first.”

I never liked you anyway.

"When I’m PMSing, I can’t even fit into my skinny jeans.”

Okay, if I’ve had an extra glass of water I can’t fit into my skinny jeans.  And by skinny jeans I mean my sweats from high school. 

"Grease just doesn’t agree with me.”

     That’s why I don’t argue with it.

  “My clothes just don’t hang right.”

Hang?  What is this “hang” you speak of?  My clothes suck the very life out of me.

It Was Miss Scarlett in the Spa with a Dumbbell. Wait. What???

As a mom, I have been waiting for my kids to be old enough to enjoy the things that I do.  Or force them to do those activities anyway while I can still boss them around.

Anyway, I've always been a person who enjoys playing games - I love Phase 10 (both dice and cards), have cut-throat games of Rummikube with my parents, and almost didn't graduate from college because my roommates and I got so addicted to a card game that left us no time to study.

In recent weeks, I have been talking to my kids about buying the game Clue.  I loved it as a kid and now 2 out of 3 of my children are old enough to understand how to play and the youngest one will probably catch on immediately (even though she's only 6) and beat the pants off the rest of us.  So last night, we stopped by the store and bought it.  And when I opened it up, one thought crossed my mind.

What the hell is this?

There is now a spa in the mansion.  Professor Plum and Colonel Mustard are not distinguished old gentlemen but metro-sexual yuppies with designer glasses and perfect wardrobes.  At the end of the game, we found out that Miss Scarlett had offed someone with a dumbbell, something I don't even think existed in the 1980s outside of Arnold Schwarznegger's home. 

I'm kind of worried that the next time I play, it will be Mrs. White in the kitchen with a botched botox injection.

Anyway, that got me thinking about what other games could be updated from my childhood.  For example:  I'm worried that Chutes and Ladders will no longer be the same.  In order to go down a chute, one must sign a release that you won't sue in case of injury and the ladders will be replaced with escalators to get you to your destination.

Monopoly will be renamed Foreclosure with all of the prices on the real-estate cards slashed in red to indicate the buyer's market it is now.  Cash will no longer be included in the game and it will come with its own credit card swiper.  A banker will no longer be needed  - but someone will need to take on the role of Credit Counselor.

Candyland will keep its name but instead of the peanut brittle house, there will be a frozen yogurt stand and the molasses swamp will be replaced by a Lifetime Fitness.  Children will no longer pull cards that send them back to the candy cane or the dreaded heart and will instead have to backtrack to the Fruit Snacks that don't contain high-fructose corn syrup or the gluten-free chocolate cookie with sugar-free sprinkles.

Battleship won't be worth playing after budget cuts.

The Game of Life will be updated to include a surprise college pregnancy and at least 3 layoffs.  

Scrabble will be obsolete because no one can function without spell-check.

And then I guess all of my childhood games will fit the life my kids are leading now.

Scenes from a Mall

While I consider myself a shopper, very rarely do I go to the mall.  I'm a bargain hunter so Old Navy, Marshall's, and Ross are my usual stomping grounds.  Buying clothes that cost a lot are too much pressure for the attention span I don't have and I will spend a lot of time worrying that I won't wear something enough to get my money's worth.  So I'd rather spend a few dollars on something that will only wash twice before it falls apart and be done with it.

Today was an emergency, though, because my daughter came home with a little slip of paper from her choir teacher yesterday that said:

CONCERT TOMORROW NIGHT!

Make sure you kids have black pants and white shirts!

Thanks for the heads-up, lady.  As I type this I'm praying that the pants I bought my kid will fit otherwise she's going to be in her black yoga pants and I don't want to hear a word about it.

The mall has changed a lot from my younger days.  They used to be dark, a little dingy, and the best place for us teenagers to practice our skulking skills.  We'd wander around for hours, going into novelty shops like Spencer's that carried nothing that anyone on earth could possibly need and hit the music stores holding our extra large drinks from Taco Bell while we flipped through the selections for hours until we spent $1.00 on a single track.

These days the mall is brightly lit and sucks the very life out of you the moment you walk in the door.  Seriously.  It's like I can feel the moisture leave my body and I'm immediately dehydrated.  About a half hour in, I find myself getting dizzy as I ride the escalator down so that I can begin the slow crawl toward daylight and fresh air.

Not only that, but the teenagers don't skulk because they're too busy texting and they're not carrying the Taco Bell cups of old, but rather large lattes from Starbucks.  

It's amazing the false hope that the mall gives us.  That our lives can be changed by color-blocking.  That those boots will keep us warm and never mind that 5" heel - you'll be fine in the snow.  That if we buy that Pottery Barn dining room set - marked down from $10,000 to $9,950 - our homes will be complete and our families will never say a cross word at dinner because they'll be sitting at that perfectly appointed table, complete with 3 table runners, a large basket of rustic pumpkins that cost $1000, and linen napkins that we will never use again.

For some reason today, I couldn't help but notice the bags that people were carrying and I wondered if they realized what it said about them.  There was an older gentleman in his 60s carrying an Abercrombie & Fitch bag who looked like he might be gearing up for a later-in-life round of dating and was trying to look as young as possible.  I thought about drawing his attention to the woman who was carrying the Anne Taylor bag, but most women who can fit into those clothes are a B cup or less and he might be looking for more. 

And then there was me - walking around with a bag from Bath & Body Works because the soap I bought today was the only thing that fit.

When I go to the mall, it's usually the department stores that I go into.  I start from the bottom and work my way up.  JC Penney's is doing a facelift and I'm a little confused by their new identity but I'm willing to give anything a try.  I'm not sure why I go into Dillard's anymore because most of what I find there I think I'll be more comfortable in when I'm 80.  Macy's will work in a pinch for the bargain hunter in me and if I'm wearing my nice jeans...I'll go into Nordstrom.

I don't know how they do it, but when you walk into Nordstrom, you just look more put together.  Somehow everyone looks perfectly mismatched and carefully uncoordinated and I just know that if I saw the same woman walking around TJMaxx...she wouldn't look as good to me.

I've also spent more at Nordstrom than I do anywhere else and I don't know why.  For some reason, I'll feel compelled to buy a shirt on the sale rack there that still costs $70 even though I wouldn't give it a second thought at Macy's.  There is something about seeing an article of clothing marked down 33% at Nordstrom that makes me think I'm getting a great deal.  

That is, until I get home and think, "Wait.  What did I just buy?"

The truth is, I feel my age every time I go to the mall.  I'm reminded of my very wise grandmother who, when asked if she wanted to go shopping, replied, "Why?  I've already seen everything."

And even though she said that at 90, I'm thinking it at 36.  I feel like I've seen every pair of shoes that someone could possibly invent.  I've been around long enough to see trends go and come back again.  And I'm old enough now to know that the perfect shirt won't fix a bad day and that another pair of black pants are probably no better than the 10 I already have in my closet.

But there's still a part of me that's foolish enough to try.

I Know Nothing About Politics. And I Approve This Message

Like many Americans, I watched the Presidential Debate last night, but I'll be the first to admit that I watched it for a reason that really wasn't all that patriotic.

I just wanted to see if Mitt Romney would say something stupid.

But he didn't.  He did very well.  And after last night, there is a clear front-runner in this race.

52%

24%

24%

Clearly, for those who are worried about the educational system in America, Big Bird is the only choice.  And with The Count as his running mate it seems that he just can't lose.

"We can't wait to roll out our new economic policy entitled We'll Get the Country Back on Track Because I Can't Count Higher than 10," The Count said in an interview this morning. "Ah ah ahhhh."

I know that doesn't seem like a very good reason to watch what should be a very important 2 hours to me as an American citizen, but I can't help it.  As soon as any numbers are mentioned, my mind comes to a screeching halt and I get a glazed look.  So if waiting for someone to say something ridiculous was my reason for watching the debate, then I think the Republicans have picked a great candidate who will get even the politically unaware (that would be me) interested in listening to what both candidates have to say.

Much ado was made about the facial expressions of both candidates during the debate while the other was speaking.  Let me sum it up for you:

 "It's my anniversary.  I wonder if I'll get lucky tonight?"

"He's so pretty."

 

But I really think we should give them a break.  Do you know what my face would look like if I had to argue with someone I hated for two hours on television?

Many people also remarked on how Romney seemed to run the show from the very beginning.  But after his comment about getting rid of the funding that's going to PBS, I began to wonder if Jim Lehrer was giving him the go-ahead so that, if elected, Romney might offer him a job after he was canned from Public Television.  

Then again, maybe Romney was just ignoring the moderator because he wasn't sure if he was real...or a product of Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum.

What I truly did enjoy during the debate was my 2 hour vacation from political commercials.  I have gotten to the point where I DVR every single show I want to watch so that I can skip through all of those ads claiming that if we vote one side or the other, the world as we know it will end.

My mom is sick of it, too.  "I just hate talking politics with anyone," she told me yesterday in a tired voice.  "They all seem to think that if one party or the other is elected, none of us will survive."

She's not kidding and I know she's not the only one who feels this way.  I have been reading posts from friends and family on Twitter and Facebook that seem to indicate that Americans now more than ever aren't voting for someone - they're voting against the other party.  Even the people I know who are staunch Republicans seem to be saying, "Well...if that's the best you could do...." and the Democrats are just trying to hold on with their fingertips so that they might have a chance to finish what they started.

Well.  I have news for you.  In another 4 years, no one will really finish anything.

For those people who think that the country will collapse if either party is elected, you have clearly never sat on a board before.  My impatience with working with a group of people who all have no doubt that their way is the best way and are completely unwilling to yield has made me a very uncivic-minded person.  My last experience with this was about 10 years ago when I sat on the board of the local cultural commission that spent 6 months trying to get a statue in front of a restaurant approved.  By the time I resigned, I was so damn frustrated that I was ready to vote against the arts in every poll that was put in front of me.

So imagine how hard it must be to get little things like taxes and healthcare approved.

What might take a dictator 2 days to roll out (not that I'm for that form of politics), Congress will never get off the ground in 4 years because every person seems to think they know best.  If the Republicans are elected, they'll spend the next 4 years trying to overturn everything the Democrats have done and if the Democrats are elected they'll keep plugging away, trying to get what they want done before the next group gets in there and changes it all.

This would be why Big Bird might be the best alternative.  And with all of those Stanley Steemer commercials that are set in the Oval Office, they already have things covered should a bird take office.

Anyway, after watching 2 hours of candidates telling each other that they were wrong about each other's policies and listening to Jim Lehrer say uh, wait, and you only have 5 seconds when he had clearly lost all control of what was going on, I had only one thing running through my mind the entire time.

They preempted Modern Family for this?