Thursday, July 26, 2012

The Husband and the Hair

Once upon a time, a beautiful Lady checked her reflection in the looking glass and came to a decision.

"I need a change," she thought after careful scrutiny.  Away she fled to Ye Olde Salon and Spa to consult with the local hairdresser.

"My locks shall be shorter!"  She declared.

"Art thou sure?"

"Yes, and some highlights would be nice."

The Lady emerged from the salon and dashed home to show her husband, beaming with pride, knowing she was the loveliest woman in all the land.  Upon entering her home, her husband looked up from his reading, gave her a deadpan stare, and said the words that women have been hearing ever since.

"I don't like it."

I actually think that this story goes back even further.  I suspect that a man's need for long hair on a woman dates back to prehistoric times when his wife came home with a bob and he realized that he could no longer drag her by the hair.

These days, approximately 89.3092% of husbands dislike shorter hair on their wives.  And of that 89.3092%...98.341% of their wives just don't care.  Because after that initial moment of disappointment, we come to the realization that men really don't know what they are talking about when it comes to hair.

Take me for example.  When my late husband and I were dating, I had longer hair.  My husband loved that hair, but he didn't realize that it was long because I was living on a college student's budget and I was forced to choose between a cut or my beer for the week.

I chose the beer.

After we were married and had moved to Florida, I cut my hair (mainly because I would have looked like Monica Gellar on her trip to Barbados if I hadn't) and I had no idea that that would have such an affect on him.  To hear him talk, you'd think I had grown long hair just to trap him into marriage and then once I suckered him...out came the scissors.

I tried growing it back out, but it didn't work.  I tried layers, straightening it, curling it, dying it, and putting a hat on it...I just didn't look good with long hair.  It took me years to figure out that, even though I loved my husband, I should never listen to him about how I should wear my hair.

Mainly because he had really shitty taste when it came to tresses.

"Why can't you wear your hair more like that?" He would point.

I would follow his finger and then ask in disbelief, "You mean like that woman who looks like she's in a perpetual Aqua Net commercial?  That's how you want my hair?"

"Yeah.  It's long."

And that's when I realized that he didn't care how it long as it was past the shoulders.

I've been pretty lucky the second time around.  Mike really doesn't care about how I wear my hair and to thank him for it, I don't fish for a compliment every time I get it cut.  I don't know where he learned this lesson - he is divorced, after all, and it's quite possible that a battle of the follicles is what broke up his first marriage.

His ex-wife was a hairdresser.  Who knows what surprises he used to come home to?

The bottom line is this:  Stay strong, wives of the world.  If you need a change, do it.  Most men have no taste in hair and you should embrace that quality.

Think about it.

If your husband came home and said to you, "Oh, I wish you'd frame your face a little more, cut a little more bang, and put in a touch more red in that highlight combination"...'d have a helluva lot more to worry about.