Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Annoying Online Quotes & Why I'm Turning into my Grandmother

I know that probably no one else in this world notices this except me, but all of those images of quotes online are really annoying.

It's not the quotes themselves - it's the grammar.

Yes, I did just say that.  And now that I think about it...I have a cousin on the East Coast who is probably annoyed with this as well (and looking at my own grammar as he's reading my blog).

I'm turning into my late grandmother, a woman I loved dearly and who always answered my questions in a way I never expected.  As a child I asked why she watched soap operas because she never seemed to enjoy them.  She always sat in her chair, her head shaking in disappointment, watching show after show. And her response was this:

"I watch for the fashion.  And because they never use the correct grammar."

At the time, I thought it was ridiculous that she would sit there and critique the grammar of two people who were in the throes of passion or take anything seriously on a show that used the names Blade or Thunder.  But as I've gotten older...I can understand her frustration.

As a person who often uses quotes as part of her online community of widows and widowers, I struggle to find those images that will say what needs to be said, whether it is inspirational or humorous, and does it in a way that won't completely embarrass me when I put it out there.  And as someone who likes to look for the "funny" in life and that often comes in the form of a well-written quote...I often forget to laugh and instead shake my head like my grandmother used to when someone doesn't know that "outhouse" is one word.

It's getting very time-consuming, editing these images in my head and trying to find at least one that uses correct punctuation or knows the difference between "to" and "too."  If, in your quote, you are having a "hard time catching your breath" - please don't put an "e" on the end of that word.  If you're "trying to breathe" - go ahead and tack it on there.  I know you're dying to.

But perhaps the one thing that gets to me the most is the capitalization.  For all of you out there who are taking the time to put together these little images and send them out into the world, I have this to say to you (and yes, I'm going to type-yell):

It makes You Look Stupid.

This blog will only be funny to a handful of people out there and we will be the first to admit that we are complete nerds.  I mean, for me this would be like someone blogging about some funny math equation that they think everyone should get and all I can think while I'm reading it is, "Huh?"

But then again, I'm not taking the time to put together images of math equations for the world to see.

That would just make me look like an idiot.

Thursday, April 11, 2013

Online Dating: Don't You Want To Get With THIS?

"A picture is worth a thousand words" - or so the saying goes.  But I have found that usually the picture can be summed up in five.

"What the hell is that?"

It's always been interesting to me, the pictures that people put up on Facebook, Twitter, and LinkenIn that they think best represents them.  But nothing is more fascinating to me than the pictures people put up when they're looking for romance (or something), introducing themselves in a way that they think says, "Don't you want to get with this?"

Anyone who knows me already knows that I have always found the internet dating world an interesting place.  I'm a people watcher, but I'm also lazy so online dating means that I can make fun
of people without even leaving the house.  I am simultaneously engrossed and grossed out and cannot seem to avert my eyes from the train wreck that comes from people who are wookin' pa nub (a la Eddie Murphy) in all the weird places.

First of all, the background of your picture says a lot about you.  If you're taking a self-portrait in your car, it makes me wonder if you're living in it.  If you're standing on top of a mountain, I'm worried you're going to make me climb it.  If you are taking your own picture in the mirror of your bathroom, clean it up...because I'm sure as hell not going to do it for you.  And if you decide to take your picture in front of the neon Busch Light sign you have hanging in your living room, I am going to give you a pass.

I don't want that shit in my house.

Guys need to be more careful about what they're doing in the picture that they're posting as well.   When you're taking your picture in the mirror and completely block out your face, we wonder if you're wanted by the Feds or just plain stupid.  If you're wearing waders and holding an enormous fish we wonder if you're going to make us clean it (and if you're actually trying to attract a woman or another man).  If your picture indicates that you're in law enforcement, we wonder if we've met you before but just didn't recognize you because all we saw was the back of your head through the grate separating us.  And when you pose in a dark suit with sunglasses on, cigarette in one hand and an automatic rifle in the other...we're not quite sure if you'll be good with kids so you might be out.

And then there is, of course, the username that you came up with - the one that tells us little more about you.  And believe me...I'm grateful for how honest you are because it stops me before I answer that virtual "wink."  And I sincerely apologize to the following men who have not heard back from me:

Dickhead (yes, I'm serious)
KissThiss (with photo of a man who looks like he's smelling something foul)
2sexy4u (with a photo that makes me doubt that that's actually true)

I've heard the phrase "every squirrel finds its nut" when referring to love and I believe that it's true because I've seen it in action.  But there have been many times that I've looked at someone's profile and the witty usernames that go with them and all I can think of is one question.

What kind of a squirrel is going to go out with that nut?