Wednesday, November 20, 2013

The Top Ten Worst Holiday Dishes Ever Served

Most of us have been served some sort of Jell-O salad at a holiday feast at some point in our lives.  Or something pickled on the table that we don't quite recognize. But those dishes are nothing compared to the following recipes I hope never find their way to my house:

Let's start with the appetizer.  Nothing says "holiday cheer" like a wreath made out of pigs in a blanket.  And whoever was creative enough to put this dish together, also thought to recycle what looks like the red wrappers off of some Baby Bell Cheese to make a festive bow.  Truly an inspiration that should grace tables across the country this year.

 Is it a dessert?  Is it an appetizer?  Who wouldn't want a little Velveeta Cheesecake on their holiday buffet table this year!  So versatile, and those walnuts add a little crunch for the "nut" in all of us.

After digging into those appetizers, it's time for a little refreshment.  So who wouldn't want a little Turkey and Gravy Soda to get those taste buds warmed up for the main event?  And since we ALL love fruitcake...why shouldn't we liquify and carbonate it?

And now it's time for the main event.  It's true...I'm a girl who loves her bacon.  But this turkey doesn't look like it's going to give me the usual Thanksgiving Day nap that I usually have...more the Thanksgiving Day stroke I'm trying to avoid. 

 Of course, we're not all meat lovers!  Which is why this stuffed tofurkey can come in handy.  And while this looks less healthy to me and more like something that might keep for a few days, I admire those of you who choose this over the hormone injected fat bomb the rest of us are eating.  You've got tofesticles.

Now, what's a little tofurkey without the sides?  Even those health nuts won't be able to resist Paula Deen's Fried Stuffing on a Stick.  Wait.  Did she put corn in there?


 It seems just plain silly to waste time eating each item on your plate separately.  After all...there is football to be watched! While I appreciate what seems to be the efficiency of this meal (putting your entire dinner into layers in one cylinder and then oozing it out), I really don't need this preview of what my intestines will look like while digesting Thanksgiving dinner. 

 Ready for a little something sweet?  Well, we're not!  It's time for Turkey Cake!  Layers of meat combined with stuffing, mashed potatoes, and a sweet potato's like a little slice of heaven.  Bring on the whipped gravy!

 Whoever came up with this little delight must have watched a little too much Steel Magnolias.  Nothing says "yummy dessert" (or a fun salmonella prank) like red frosting on the inside of a turkey cake. I call the drumstick!

 Like its Thanksgiving cousin, the Turducken, the Cherpumple is a whole lot of layered goodness.  A three layered pie/cake with cherry, apple, and pumpkin will be like a little party in your mouth....before you slip into a diabetic coma. 

Happy Holidays!