Thursday, September 26, 2013

Act Your Age

I'll be the first to admit that I don't act my age.  In fact, to the strangers I pass on the street, I probably come across closer to 90 than my actual 37 years.

I know that it's common for most people to try and stay as young as possible for as long as possible and I really don't get it.  Because, frankly, I'm of the opinion that if I can just go ahead and speed up the aging process, each day brings me closer and closer to one of those beds that sits up for you and props your knees at a comfortable angle.


But I know I'm not the norm.  I see the constant search for the fountain of youth everywhere - from my own social circle to the people I stalk in US Weekly.  And the older I get the more I roll my eyes at what people think they can get away with and still look good.

For example:  When I saw 55-year-old Madonna sporting a grill to a red carpet event...I got a headache my eyes rolled so hard.  Very few people can get away with wearing something like that (or, let's be one can), but I'm thinking that a woman who is only 10 years younger than my own mother should, by now, have better sense than Miley Cyrus.  And it made me wonder what her teenage daughter thought of this look.  I know that the Madonna family is probably more progressive than my own, but I'm just wondering how my daughter would react if I pulled into the carpool lane at school and flashed a golden smile.

I'm thinking she might be a tad embarrassed.

The other day I was at the gym (not to turn back the clock, just to work out a little and make sure my
joints are limber enough to handle the adjustable bed I'm dreaming of) and on one of the monitors, they were playing a Jennifer Lopez video.  Now, I'll be the first to admit that I've never been a huge fan of hers, but I can respect how she has climbed her way to the top.  She seems like she works hard and is a pretty decent (if somewhat fickle) person.


The video had her in all of this "gangsta" clothing and the set had buildings spray painted with "Jenny from the Block" all over the place.

Sweetie,  you're 44-years-old and worth an estimated $300 million.  You can now afford a pair of pants that fit and I'm guessing you're not hanging on "da block" without some serious security.  It might be time to hang up your brass knuckles and relax in your gated 'hood.

And then there was Ricky Martin on the Ellen DeGeneres show.  He still looks good, right? Aging well.  But when you're out of breath just watching your back-up dancers and your main topic of conversation with Ellen is about your cholesterol level...I don't know if that vest with all of the zippers and those high-top kicks are all that age-appropriate for you.  You might start considering transitioning over to covers of old classics rather than trying to live la vida loca.  It's time.

You've probably read this whole thing and are wondering, "Who is this woman to pass judgement?"  And you're right.  I'm sitting here in some old worn-out sweats and pretty proud of myself that I managed to get my mascara on this morning (yesterday, as I was putting it on, I sneezed and then spent the day looking like I was wearing spider glasses frames).  I haven't made it to the gym and the only thing I'm wearing that says "young" is the zit on my chin.

But the thing is, every time I see people desperately trying to turn back the hands of time, the first thing I think is, "Grow up."

And then I roll my eyes, sit back in my recliner, pull my cardigan sweater around me because for some reason I feel a draft, reach for my can of Ensure...

...and change the channel.