Pursuing the Perfect Purse - The Quest Men Just Don't Get

Ah, yes.  The obsessive search for the perfect purse.

It hits all women at different times in our lives.  In my 20s, I watched in disbelief as a friend of mine bought a new one every week.  Her "big" Christmas present from her husband was a Prada purse she had been eying all year.  For the life of me, I couldn't comprehend how any woman could give up the possibility of jewelry for a silly little handbag.

And then my 30s hit and I could understand why some celebrities had separate closets just for their purses.

It started with trying to find just the right red.  I was sure that if I could find the right shade and size, my life would change and someone would walk up to me and say, "That is the perfect red purse.  Can I give you $1,000,000 just for carrying it?"

My mother's purse stage hit later.  In fact, she's in the throes of it right now. 

"What do you think of these?"  She'll ask me, as she brings out a garbage bag-sized shopping bag from Dillard's or Stein Mart, filled with purses.  "Now, I like this one because it's got more detail on it.  But this one doesn't weigh as much so it's probably more practical.  I'm not sure about the yellow, though.  Out of these 5 purses, which yellow do you like the best?"

She tries to justify it by telling me that she returns just about every one she buys (something that I'm glad she clarified because I was beginning to wonder if she and my dad would have to move in with me next year because they wouldn't be able to make their mortgage, thanks to her purse purchases, and I was worried I wouldn't have room for all of those handbags), so she's not actually keeping them.  But the mere fact that she has been looking all summer for the perfect orange...oh, yeah.  She caught the bug.

And it's not just the color we're shopping for.  Years ago, while watching "What Not to Wear," it was mentioned that a woman's purse should be proportional to her size.  That was an eye-opener for me and the reason why I buy purses that are, generally, larger than my head.  When my mom asked me why I was suddenly carrying such enormous handbags, I had a simple answer for her.

"Because it makes my ass look smaller."

Carrying a large purse does have it's disadvantages, though.  Last year, I began to have shoulder issues and it took me about a month to realize it was from carrying a purse the size of a Hefty bag (yes, my ass is that big).  I also realized that by carrying a large bag...things tend to get a little lost in there.  As I was sitting at a bar this summer, rummaging through my purse to find my lipstick, I pulled out 2 ponchos, a pair of swimming goggles, and movie stub from 2001.

And I never did find my lipstick.

Purses in general are a mystery to men and it's a mystery to me why it's a mystery to them.  They make fun of us for it, but I can't tell you how many times I've opened my purse to find an extra wallet, cell phone, and set of keys in there because carrying them in a pocket "didn't feel good when I sat down."

The problem is that men think that we only need one, just like we only need one pair of black shoes or one pair of sunglasses.  I know that men and women have many deep-seated issues that make us fundamentally different but I think the biggest one is what one considers an accessory, the other considers a necessity.  But let's face it:  If we started acting like men, wearing the same pair of tennis shoes for every occasion, they'd look at us funny when we showed up in a cute sundress, worn-out Adidas, and the same purse we've had since 1985.

For the men who are reading this, let me put it to you this way:  Purses are to women what those 2,000 t-shirts in your closet are for you.  It doesn't matter how many you have, you can always use more and it doesn't matter how worn out and holey they get, you'll never get rid of them.  Just like that t-shirt reminds you of that drunken trip to Panama City, Spring Break 1996...that purse reminds us of that one night you took off that damn shirt and brought us some place nice.

And for the women who are reading this and can't understand yourselves why you have so many purses, I can sum it up for you:  Purses always fit.  They don't care if you're bloated, if you're hips suddenly changed the second you hit 35, or your muffin top has expanded into a muffin stump (I had to look that one up.  Here's the definition.  You'll enjoy it).  After 2 hours of trying to find the perfect pair of jeans and we're walking out the door of the department store, wondering if we're on the road to Pajama Jeans, we will spy that one thing that will make us feel better.  And when we pick it up and sling it over our shoulder, it momentarily makes our fitting room humiliation disappear.

So, for all of you men out there who give your significant others a hard time about their penchant for purses, ask yourself this.

Did her handbag total last month exceed what it would cost to put her in therapy?

If it didn't, I suggest you roll with it.  Or start weeding out those t-shirts.