Okay, so the things I would like, should I hit the BIG TIME would cost more than a million dollars. But I have that Barenaked Ladies song stuck in my head. And now, after reading that title, you will too.
I'm going to be upfront and just tell you that should I hit said BIG TIME, I will not be a nice rich person. I have many fantasies about buying the people I love copious gifts - none of which they want. This is because I love to go junk shopping for the simple reason that I believe ugly is more entertaining than pretty. Sure, I get excited when I find a cute lamp or a fun piece of furniture. But what I'm really looking for are ugly things so that, should I hit the BIG TIME, I can run out and buy them for my family and friends.
It was as I was junk shopping one day with my sister that she discovered this about me, my dream of winning the lottery and bestowing upon everyone things I know they will hate. Her dislike of horses, after being bucked off on a camp trail ride when she was in middle school, is something that we all know about her. (Incidentally, the bucking event was then topped off by a summer where she worked at a dude ranch in high school. I'm still not sure how someone who hates anything that smells bad or has a "western" feel ended up with that job.)
"I'm going to get that for you someday," I said, pointing to the item. "When I win the lottery, I'm going to buy you a mirror just like that."
She paused, looking at the dusty, dirty mirror and said, "I never thought I would say this to anyone I know...but I hope you never win the lottery."
However, when I think about the BIG TIME I don't usually fantasize about buying "things"...I think about buying services. I don't think about having a live-in maid because that just seems too invasive and would cut down on my privacy. I've seen Gosford Park and I know those people talk. My need is much simpler than that. Sure, a once a week cleaning would be nice, but what I would really like is to hire someone to come in twice a week and just put my laundry away. I don't mind putting in the washer. I don't mind putting it into the dryer. I don't even mind folding it so much as I catch up on DVRed episodes of The View.
I just don't want to put it away.
I would also like a back-scratcher to be at my beck and call. I don't need a professional masseuse because they scare me with their pressure points and working of the knots. No, what I need is someone who can be at my house within 5 minutes of my call to scratch that place on my back that I just can't reach. He would have to have his nails perfectly trimmed so that they scratched (not rubbed) without drawing blood. For this, I would pay for weekly manicures.
A professional bucket-holder would be nice to have on retainer when my kids get the stomach flu. I can be motherly and loving when they're sick, but the moment I hear the gag reflex working, I want to run the other way. I would like to be able to say, "Sven! Get in here and hold this bucket!" He would then come in, catch what's flying, clean it, and then wait to be called again.
A knot-detangler (so my girls won't hate me so much), a car-refueler (because getting gas is my least favorite activity aside from putting laundry away and holding the bucket), and a video-game-bad-guy (who will time my son and his friends and then boot them off and not give a second thought about dirty looks after they've been playing for 8 hours straight) would also be nice.
My needs are simple and not over-the-top. I just hope the lottery gods are paying attention.
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