God vs. Online Dating

I love taking my kids to the bus stop.

There is the obvious reason - that hiss and roar that indicates that my precious children will be at school and learning things that will get them into Harvard (actually, I'm starting to doubt that.  That Everyday Math is one screwy system).  And then there is, of course, that feeling of freedom that comes with seeing the wide, yellow ass of the bus round the corner, taking that beloved cargo with them and leaving me in silence for the rest of the day.

Oh, come on.  You know you all think it, too.

But I also love going to the bus stop because that's where I get the best gossip.  There is usually a pretty good crowd on Friday mornings, so I make an effort to get there.  That's when I find out who's been traveling, what current diseases are circling around my kids at school, and who wants to lock their husbands out for the weekend.

For some reason this morning, the crowd was a little thin (maybe it has to do with all of those diseases circling around) and I was standing there with one of my new neighbors who suddenly became very concerned about the fact that I am single.

"Are you seeing anyone?" she asked out of the blue.

"No," I said.  "But I'm really okay with that right now."

"Let me ask you this," she said, looking intently at my face.  "Have you told God what you want?"

Now, at that moment, I started looking for the nearest exit which was, unfortunately, my house a half a block away.  Not wanting to offend her by running screaming up the street, I put what I hope was a polite half-smile on my face and started inching my way backwards.

"Ah...no.  But, really...I'm okay with being single right now."

"You have to ask God for what you want!" she said emphatically.  "Make a list and tell Him!  That's what I did and that's how I got my husband!"

I didn't think that was the time to tell her that when I was working on my upcoming book, I had originally titled the dating section "Highway to Hell."  And so I kept inching my way closer and closer to my front door and when I finally closed it behind me, I breathed a sigh of relief.

But that conversation got me to thinking.  Is that what we're all doing wrong?  Turning to services like Match.com and eHarmony when what we should really be doing is sending our profiles and pictures to God? 

Dear God,

Attached is my profile where I ask for someone who makes at least minimum wage, has a valid driver's license, and does not wear platform shoes.  I know that this picture of me is a little old and I'm 10 pounds heavier now.  That doesn't count as a lie...does it?

Do those people who have their information on Christian Mingle have a leg up on the people who list with Plenty of Fish?  What about that FarmersOnly.com?  Do they get a better divine response than the people who are using It's Just Lunch?

I'm having visions of getting on my knees every night, folding my hands, closing my eyes, and begging God to bring me the last decent man left on Earth.  And then the heavens opening up and God (who suddenly looks a little like Joaquin Phoenix during his rapper phase) saying, "Fear not, my child.  I will bestoweth upon you a man who will bring you flowers at least twice a year and unclog your toilet when necessary.  Your prayers have been answered.

Now, leave me alone so I can deal with Congress."