The Reasoning Behind NASCAR Scheduling

This blog will only make sense to a few people.  And you know who you are.

In the last week, I have been deeply thinking about a shallow subject and that is why NASCAR operates the way it does as far as scheduling.  I know I'm not the only one who wonders about this.  Many women have been looking at their significant others who work on teams across the country and saying, "You're not going to be home until when?"  And then trying to rationalize why this might be.

I'm starting to believe that there is a man who sits in a small, windowless cubicle in NASCAR headquarters, bent over the schedule for the year, thinking about how to fit as many unnecessary things in as he possibly can into a ridiculously long season.  He periodically meets with a psychologist who helps him come up with an effective plan to ruin everyone's plans and occasionally an Executive Vice President who has 10 kids and a wife who sounds like Gilbert Gottfried sits in on the discussion.

"Okay, so by the time February rolls around, everyone has had a couple of months off," says Dr. Doom.  "It's better just to get them back into 'travel mode' right off the bat.  Ten days in Daytona ought to do it."

"No...that won't work," says the Vice President, thinking that come February freedom is his at last.  "We need a test in there, too.  Let's make sure everyone out there is on the road for at least 2 weeks."

"Now right here," says the psychologist, pointing to June, "this would be the perfect time to have at least 3 tests in a row.  Do you have anything new we can call these guys out for?"

"Oh, I'm sure we can think of something," says the Vice President, leaning back in his chair.  "Maybe say we have some new tires or bend a spoiler 2 degrees and then test it and say we don't like it so we have to bend it back."

"That's a good one," says the psychologist with a grin.  "No one will see that coming."

"Why do we need 3 tests in a row?" asks the scheduler.

The psychologist laughs manically.  "Because these guys are only getting one weekend off this summer.  We need to completely run them down and make sure their marriages are about to disintegrate so that they appreciate us for giving them those 2 days off."

Now, once the "final" schedule for the year is complete...that's when the real fun begins.  NASCAR executives meet for their annual dart game in March where they drink beer, pick little slips of paper out of a hat that have random events listed, and then throw darts at the calendar to determine when they will happen.

"Mid-April...change in springs," says one, taking a swig of his beer.

"End of July...shock test," says another.

"August.  Change in driver's cup holder," says the next, wiping tears of laughter off his face.

"September.  New knee pads for the over-the-wall guys."

"October.  Let's change the pavement somewhere."

"Like where?"

"Who cares?"

When the meeting is through, the executives make their way to their cars, their cheeks pink with pleasure.  They walk in the doors of their homes, shaking their heads as they greet their wives and inform them of their upcoming schedule.  Their wives lay awake all night, thinking of the "to-do" lists they need to put together before their husbands leave for the next 6 months.  And their husbands roll over and sigh with relief, knowing that they won't be home to do one thing on that list.