“This will go straight to my hips.”
Unless you are saying this while having a surgical procedure
actually performed on your hips, I really don’t want to hear it. You are especially not allowed to say it
while eating a salad, granola bar, or drinking a latte.
“No, I hate going to the gym. I keep in shape by chasing my kids around.”
Okay. I have 3
children. I have a gym membership I use
at least 3 times a week. I also have a sizeable ass. So shut up.
“If I could change one thing about my body it
would be my ankles.”
Enough said. Bitch.
“I just had a baby a month ago. I lost all of the weight by breastfeeding.”
Any woman who can even look at her pre-baby jeans a month
after having a baby is not to be trusted. And
any woman who can model lingerie weeks after having a baby should be arrested.
"It is so hard for me to find pants that are the
right length that still fit in the waist.
They just don’t make long enough jeans in the junior section.”
If you don’t have a student ID, you should not be allowed to
shop in the junior section. Go buy some
beer instead. Then you won’t have this
problem.
“Can you put the dressing on the side?”
Don’t say that. I’ve just ordered a bacon cheeseburger with extra
mayo. Seriously. Toss that vinaigrette in. It will be okay.
"I’m having dental work done next week and my
doctor told me that I need to gain 10 pounds first.”
I never liked you anyway.
"When I’m PMSing, I can’t even fit into my skinny
jeans.”
Okay, if I’ve had an extra glass of water I
can’t fit into my skinny jeans. And by
skinny jeans I mean my sweats from high school.
"Grease just doesn’t agree with me.”
That’s why I don’t argue with it.
“My clothes just don’t hang right.”
Hang?
What is this “hang” you speak of?
My clothes suck the very life out of me.
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