How to Get the Hell Out of Wal-Mart

I know there are many people out there who avoid Wal-Marts at all costs.  My brother-in-law is one of them.  I found this out after I had sent him the link to the People of Wa-lmart.  He called me roaring with laughter and I said, "Don't you find it interesting that it doesn't matter what city you're in...the people in Wal-Mart all look the same?"

To which he replied, "I don't know.  I never go in Wal-Mart."

Guess he's more of a Target man.

But it's true.  You could be in Aspen or Albuquerque, Hilton Head or Hartsville - you'll still see the same mix of dressy PJ pants, muffin tops, low-ride jeans, and "leggings" that are actually tights.  And in that mix you'll see harried mothers just trying to get the hell out of there.

Before I had kids, I think I'd probably been in one Wal-Mart.  But after I had two going on three toddlers...Super Wal-Mart became my salvation.  I loved any store that enabled me to get what I needed and only have to unload and load the kids into their car seats one time.  From tires to tampons...I could get it all.  The problem has always been, in a store that size, getting what I need and getting out as quickly as possible, lest I start looking at someone too long and thinking, "Huh.  I wonder if they have those Mickey Mouse PJ pants in my size?  And I think that girl is right.  Who needs to wear a bra anyway?"

So I had to come up with some short-cuts, some ways to expedite my shopping.  The first was something that Mike makes fun of all of that time - my list.  I am anal to the point of being OCD about my grocery list and it just about  makes me break out in hives when either he or one of my children adds something to it.  Because I just know they're going to put something in the wrong spot.

"Why have you listed milk next to ham?" I'll ask in disbelief.  "That just makes no sense."  Because even though they're both in a "cold" section, they're no where near each other in the store.  And that will just wreak havoc on my shopping experience.

It is very important, once you have said list, to stick to it.  In the beginning, I would find myself getting home and unloading my groceries, only to shake my head and ask myself, "Why did I buy this laser pointer by the cash register?"  After about $10,000 in spontaneous purchases, I decided that I better just keep my head down and plow through.

And then there's the most important part of getting out the door:  The cashier.  Now, if you are making the decision to become a regular Wal-Mart shopper, you need to start paying close attention to the check-out process.  You need to start identifying those cashiers who are going to get you the hell out of there.  For example:

• Don't pick the old guy in the suspenders.  He's dying to talk to you.
• Don't pick the woman who keeps turning the bagging thing around and around, looking for the perfect spot to put someone's Goldfish.  Her bagging process will keep you there an extra 10 minutes.
• Don't pick the woman who tries to pack as much as she can into each individual bag and then decides that the bags are too heavy and need to be double-bagged, thereby doubling the bags she's been trying to save and taking twice as long because it's hard to squeeze one bag into another.

I know what you're thinking:  If I have to avoid all of these people, who is going to check out my groceries?  Who can I turn to?  And, yes...I have that answer.

Find the disgruntled teenager.

Now, here's the secret.  You have to unload your groceries in the order in which you want them bagged.  Because the disgruntled teenager doesn't give a damn if he puts your 6-pack of Coke on top of your loaf of bread.  He's trying to scan your items and bag them up as quickly as possible because he wants you to get the hell out of there.  Which is good because you want that too.  He doesn't care about your day.  He really doesn't care if you "found everything okay."  And he really doesn't care if your tomatoes get squished by your ice cream.

He wants you gone so that he can stare into space for few minutes before the next woman with 3 screaming toddlers comes by.  Don't pay with cash because he can't make change.  Don't use a check because he won't know what to do with it.  Unload, swipe, load, and roll.

This is actually when the lack in customer service which is so prevalent these days comes in handy.  Because while you might appreciate having a long conversation about your dog with the nice, middle-class lady in the confines of a Pottery Barn, you'll appreciate how the scruffy teenager at Wal-Mart really doesn't give a hoot about you or your dog.

He just wants you to get the hell out of there.